When you left you took a little part of me Hermano. Almost 3 years after your transition I sit with all my gaps. All the ways I did not know how to love you better. All the ways you cried for help while drowning in immense grief. The guides we chose for this lifetime had their own struggles that blinded them to your needs as a kid. Their traumas and misconceptions of what it is to raise a “boy” in this society drove you far away from your blood family. Us siblings made our escape plans and we all somehow accomplished them. Pero tu Hermano you took the hardest hit. You were the brave one to sacrifice yourself so that the rest of us didn’t have to. What more brave sibling do I have than one that would let die with him the legacy of addiction that we come from, that our parents and their parents probably had to live with. Only you would do such a thing. Now I understand that your spirit knew its path and that healing our lineage was a huge part of that path. You chose a hard life. And now I know you did it for us.

Gracias Hermano. Our children and childrens children will be a little more free because of your Ebo~ sacrifice.

You left me with so many gifts. So many memories. You are truly appreciated now and always. It has taken me almost 3 years to fully accept your physical death. On my ancestor altar I have had your photo but as a young person. it was my process to first mourn the young misunderstood child and the teen searching for family. I had to first mourn these parts of you that marked your life so deeply. and now, in this 44th anniversary of your life, I can finally put a photo of your adult self on my altar. Now it is my time to mourn the adult you. The adult you that was stolen from us by the carceral system and by violence inflicted on our communities by the very state that is supposed to be for and of the people. The You that had the hardest time with me because of our differences. The adult you that wasn’t always the easiest to be around. Now is my turn to heal the hurt that comes with being a sibling to a person who lived with a grief as deep as the ocean, my mirror really. but you saved me from myself by guiding me away from your path.

I am grateful not to be angry anymore. To have learned to forgive our parents and grandparents for their shortcomings. Now is my time to see how those same challenges may live in me and how can I be a better version of them in this lifetime. An opportunity they did not get. Thank you Jerry for your company and for the messages you share with loved ones around me who then whisper your words into my ears, affirming our strong forever growing connection.

Con mucho amor, your flower power little sister- Rocio.

I created a playlist for you of some of the music I remember you listening to growing up. Listen Here.