Intimacy: “In-to-me-I-see*.”

Insides of a leaf. Photo by Bruje Fuego at Espejos Cempazutchil. December 2021.

“Debes tener grandes demonios para haber sido traído aquí.”

When she said this to me, I felt seen. As if the demons, the harm, the confusion, the desire for landing was held in these words, “You must have big demons to have been brought here.” I paused, let the words land on my wounds, and said, ‘si, los tengo, y aquí los traigo para sanar. Yes, I do have them, and I bring them here to heal.’

I knew I was landing in my new home 12 months into my move when a new friend said these words to me as we were walking the land that stewards my family for the first time together. “Landing” feeling “rooted” has been a bit of challenge having only spent 8 of those 12 months in my home, the other 4 months I have been traveling supporting my blood family as best I can through my older brothers death, my parents divorce, the selling of their home, the move of two stubborn (but who isn’t stubborn?) and aging parents, and sibling grief that looks different for each one of us but I am convinced is as large for them as it is for me. I felt a new layer of landing (and alivio) as we continued to walk. She was in awe of the beauty and the abundance we were gifted to care for, protect from development, and a layer of colonization that this land has not known thanks to the fierce matriarch whom decided we were the collective she wanted to entrust to care for her families legacy of growing food, taking care and being in relationship to water, and hold a healing space for her community. As we proceeded to walk my steps felt both lighter and heavier as being seen can cause both in a moment. Vulnerability is a process that someone like me with well learned silence embedded in my bones needs ample space and time for- although what is time and space when you meet people who can hold you in your new places and spaces? My learning continues. The shedding is live. The winter solstice and the seasons change is nearing; my body knows these changes very well. I also feel more compassionately present with the lessons of the past two years, coming to an end of a relationship with experiences and grief that no longer serve me – harm that was caused by friends and an organization that I once cared for, these hard lessons about leaving places and spaces that did not show up for me in the ways I needed, yes it is all layered (we are flawed humans in our traumas) and my truth also matters, my healing also deserves my compassion- these are hard lessons for a stubborn moon in Taurus who dislikes change and prefers the “known” over change, who chose a peaceful quiet exit- to my detriment in this case. So as I reach into myself to forgive myself for staying when my body said, many times have I done this though? My healing around intimacy and relationships runs deep, and I am listening. I take a deep breathe as I step into a wave of self reflection and intimacy with myself, knowing the Winter season is a perfect time for this healing- I am giving myself the opportunity to see into myself, to use a mirror and see beyond the caked layers of pleasing others; here is where the medicine will be found this Winter.

The sage burns, the clearing continues.

Ways to prepare for Winter Solstice:

  1. Make a list of what is important to you. What is not on this list (at least for the time being) decenter it in your life. For the next month practice bringing to light and center what is most important and valuable to you. When a decision comes up about how your time will be spent, remember this list and decide whether or not what is being asked of you supports you connecting to what is most valuable to you.
  2. Shed as if you were a lizard or snake and it was time for a deep cleanse. Make a fire if possible or using a candle, speak into the fire the things you want to release. Ask yourself if what you carry daily still needs to be carried by you. Or as my teacher says, “Care, not carry.” After speaking into the fire what no longer serves you, call forth what you want to take up more space in your life. For example, “I release other peoples expectations of me and I call forth more creativity and art in my life.”
  3. Make a Winter altar with things that remind you of winter. Add the four elements of water, fire, earth, and air to bring into balance these elements within you.
  4. Start a compost! Mirror your actions and learning about compost as you also welcome your own internal composting of the things that no longer serve you.
  5. Call forth and make room for more quiet time with yourself and your loved ones. “Going in” and being intimate with oneself to listen to ones body and emotions can help realign us to that which we came here to do. Each one of us is being called to our higher purpose, our spirit bodies ache when we are not in alignment. Take a moment daily to listen in and lean into realignment.

*Intimacy: “In-to-me-I-see”- During a Fall ceremony I attended at The Earthlodge Center for Transformation my teacher and leading earth steward, Queen, shared that often when we are looking for intimacy with others it is a call to be intimate with oneself, hence the play on words she shared, “intimacy, yes, I want intimacy, IN-TO-ME-I-SEE”.