Note: This piece was originally written in October 2022. I share it a year later in hopes it resonates with us as we move through the fires and quiet of the Fall 2023 season.

“Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding. The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings.” -Jalaluddin Rumi, Birdwings.

Since I was fourteen I knew I didn’t believe in punitive punishments. I watched my parents, local sheriffs, and even some of my teachers use punitive measures to deal with challenges that came up in our family, community, and schools. I saw how neighbors, friends, and students used the same measures on each other, too. Violence begets violence. Too many times I witnessed my older brother get beat in school, on our front yard, in my own home. Those memories are tattood much deeper than the roses laying on my chest.

My journey towards abolition begins early. I look back at my childhood and remember the many times my parents wanted me to choose their side, and how difficult this was for me to do. As often as possible I would stay neutral, angering one or both of them. It was my way of rejecting both of their desire to involve me, their child, in their conflicts. I was the kid after all. Connecting with friends now as adults, I realize this experience is not unique to me. I can see and hold how many of us went through similar situations with our blood family. This post is for you in hopes that maybe my experiences will feed your freedoms.

Not too long ago I was working with a Somatics coach, she taught me about the opening and closing that Rumi refers to in his poem, Birdwings. She shared, “If you are feeling like a clutched fist and you try to force yourself open, more than likely your body will tighten more..” But if I hold myself gently, hold my clutched fist with tenderness, there is more possibility that I (and my fist) will feel safe to release the tight hold on myself. It is in the act of releasing the tight hold on myself that I find my freedom. I can see how emotions such as hurt, sadness, grief…can feel like such a “jail “tight fist” sometimes keeping me feeling “locked up” in one place literally or metaphorically.

I went through a significant break up in 2018. My heart and Spirit split open when I realized I had helped create a co-dependent dynamic between me and lover. I had gotten so desperate for their love (or was it for my own love) that I betrayed my needs and frankly, my dignity. Unfortunately after 3 years I hardly had any grace left in me to spare that I splattered my emotions everywhere and in places they did not belong. Lessons, so many of them. I grieved that relationship for years to come. Confused often at my own choices. Frustrated that I had not left earlier. Angry at myself for “once again, staying too long”.. Until recently I realized that I stay as long as I need to learn what I am meant to learn with that person. I no longer entertain the thought that I “should have” left earlier. Thanks to my Elder who brilliantly asked both of us during one of our last sessions with her, the question I now ask myself, “What is it that I did not give myself that I expected my lover to give me?” How is that for self betrayal? Giving away my power to others by way of expectations on them. Expectations they never asked for. Again, so many lessons and roots to uncover and care for.

When I think about healing towards an Abolitionist world, some of the many questions that come mind to mind are:

What is our tangible short term vision that affirms our camino, our path towards healing?

What kind of relationships do we need to co-create in order to set the tone and “prepare the earth” for the magical and colorful seeds abolition has to offer?

How have I and how do I still participate in punitive thinking?

Where are my points of growth when it comes to resolving conflict in my life?

One of the first things that comes to mind is compassion for self and others. Compassion is reachable. Compassion is something I know how to practice. Until of course…compassion is cornered or burnt out. Then what? I can have compassion when most people run out of it. But when it comes to my own blood family, sometimes compassion seems to have already dried up, leaving my heart like a dry desert. But I am an abolitionist, do abolitionist run out of compassion too? Yes, yes, definitely.

What I love most about experimenting~learning in groups, collectives, and/or families is the fact that we each have our roles. I do not always have to be the one to hold the line of compassion that is needed to get to the next step, the next vision. I can be human and I/we all deserve to have all the emotions we need to have as part of our healing process, too. Now that we are in the important topic of emotions— emotions are fleeting, they are like the ocean waves, they come and go. Some emotions stay longer than others. But as abolitionists I believe it is our responsibility to help ourselves not stay stagnant in our emotions, I do believe that there is a connection with staying in our emotions and punitive thinking. This is why I know that in my case, abolition must begin at home, with and in myself. I have to be willing to let non-punitive accountability happen; I need to know when my emotions are creating more harm, especially when I have privileges that weigh into how a situation is playing out. I have to be part of the solution and it is not always clear as to how to do that. At minimum I have to try and by that I mean when shit hits the fan THAT is the exact moment I can encourage myself to stay connected to myself and to others.

Acknowledging my sorrow has helped me release my tight grip. I find that when I pause to listen to my inner self, the rage I feel towards others is accumulated sorrow that is seeking to be acknowledged. Sometimes ignoring my own feelings seems easier than a deep inner look at how I am impacting others or how I am being impacted by others. Am I being too honest or not honest enough? My transformation and decolonization requires deep honesty with myself. I want a different world more than I want anything else. So yes, throw me in the fire to be composted, I know that in the process and when I am born anew, the earth will hold me in tenderness in ways that my Spirit need.

Abolitionist lessons and practices for this Fall season:

Deeper Listening: Ask yourself, Am I a deep listener? Do I deeply listen for understanding and not to convince others that my opinions and perspectives are the “right ones” to consider as truth? The earth has taught me to slow down, to listen to myself, to others. Deeper listening has taught me that in order to hear what others share, I have to be rooted in my own truths and desires. I have examples of moments, relationships, and jobs where I was not grounded in my own understandings and truths which led me to make harmful decisions, betraying myself or hurting others. One way I like to practice good listening is by sitting with the plants or a body of water. Sometimes I take a journal to write down what I hear, but most of the time I just go and sit. I observe the colors, sounds, and my own feels too. I notice what comes up for me when I sit and breathe in the earth; are there changes in me that I notice? What possibilities are born from those moments of oneness with the earth beings?

Discernment. I grew up in a family where trust was not something we practiced or were encouraged to practice. Therefore, being the rebel kid I am, I took it upon myself to TRUST others as readily as I could. As a kid I practiced forgiveness, I did not hold grudges, and I gave people the benefit of the doubt often so I could be “different” than my parents. This act of resistance has brought me a lot of joy and lightness of being. Overall, I can see how my decision to practice trust in the face of my parents deep trauma and hurt was a the right choice for me. I recently turned 40 years of age and in my reflections I can now see how there were moments in my life that I could have used more discretion to protect myself or my loved ones. How my commitment to be different from my grudge-ful parents also led me to relationships and actions that have caused me harm and in turn, I too potentially caused harm to others. A plant that helps me connect to my intuition and inner fire when faced with challenges or fear is Nasturtium. I recommend making a tea with the flowers and leaves. As you drink your tea, ask yourself, “what matters most to me right now?; what does my heart need in this moment?”; connect with nasturtium for guidance.

Turn to the earth for healing. This lesson is one of the most important ones because it has been the most transformative. It is because of my work with the earth the past 12 years that I have been able to understand my work/tasks as an abolitionist. The earth ceremonies and rituals I have been a part of have turned me inside out; I have let myself be swallowed by the earth herself; thrown myself in the fire to be completely renewed. That is what ritual invites us into; sacred space with self, the earth, Spirit, and others. It is in the stunning colors of the earth that I find hope, I can hear when the flowers speak of abolition, of forgiveness, of releasing what no longer heals us or uplifts us. Transitions are hard, deaths of any kind bring new perspectives, and love is the “act” most worth fighting for in my lifetime. Love is where I find hope for our world, love is where I find the most radical visions of abolition. The earth is love, she seeps of it. How lucky we are to been surrounded by her love in the foods we eat, the grass we roll in with our children, the oceans that make us feel more expansive. Let us be more like the earth.

Flowers and Plants to connect to when working with “clutched fists”:

Nasturtium

Nasturtium is one of those flowers that feel like a plant of the Gods. Their vibrant colors, fire-y flavor, the way they spread across garden plots so freely, often becoming the center of attention. The reds, yellows, and oranges remind me of the sun; and when I intake one of these gorgeous flowers I feel like I am warming up my body with the sun itself. Its unique leaves are lush, sturdy, and inviting. The flowers unique shape dares us to be our divine selves. Self reflection and abolition both take a lot of courage and this flower feeds us just that. Try adding nasturtium flowers to your garden plot, and enjoy the flowers in your salads, or make a healing syrup of the plant. Nasturtium will not cease to surprise you in its many medicinal and spiritual properties. Let this flower fill you with the fire that we need to transform our world.